


Puckurt's Extraordinaire Yulenukkah Extravaganza!

by iskra667



Category: Glee
Genre: Crack, M/M, Mild Gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-31
Updated: 2011-12-31
Packaged: 2017-10-28 14:30:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iskra667/pseuds/iskra667
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>3.09 Glee Christmas Special, alternate ending... (Warning: absurd crack, pig slaughter, blood.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Puckurt's Extraordinaire Yulenukkah Extravaganza!

**Author's Note:**

> Written for LJ community Puckurt Star Wars Drabble Challenge.

 

 **Int Night – The Hummel-Anderson fabulous Bachelors' Chalet.**

 

 _We hear_   
THUNDER   
_and the lights go off._

 

KURT _forced high pitch_ : Oh No! The power is off! Now I can't switch the oven at all! My dinner party is ruined!

 

BLAINE: Don't worry, Honey! I bought you a solar-powered oven for Christmas. They were sold out of this wonderful hoover you wanted!

 

 _Prerecorded Laughs._

 

KURT _looks away from_ BLAINE _and throws a bitchface at the camera._

 

MERCEDES: The end times are near! Green energy is the way to survive!

 

PUCK: It's the middle of the night.

 

BLAINE    
_tense grin_   
: No negative spirit at my Christmas party!

 

PUCK: We could roast food on the fire.

 

BLAINE _throws a meaningful look at_ KURT: Such a Neanderthal!

 

KURT _delighted squeal_ : But the fire is so delightful!

 

BLAINE _pouting_ : You can't fire-roast turkey!

 

PUCK: Chill out Hobbit, I brought a hog!

 

A PIG _trots into the room and squeals loudly_.

 

PUCK _stares at_ KURT _with a dopey grin_ : Meet Barbara, pet-hog of the late Elizabeth Taylor! I knew how much you wanted something from the auction...

 

BARBARA THE PIG _squeals and rubs her snout on_ KURT _'s leg._

 

KURT _grins awkwardly and tries to discreetly escape the pig_ : That's... such a thoughtful gift Puck! Thank you!

 

PUCK _cocky grin_ : You're welcome, Princess! The Puckasawrus always aims to please!

 

PUCK _takes a knife from his belt._

 

BARBARA THE PIG _squeals loudly and dies. Blood splatters on the camera lens._

 

BLAINE _scandalised_ : Some of our guests are vegan!

 

 _Musical interlude_ : RACHEL BERRY _sings 'My Best Friend Barbara'._

 

PUCK _slashes open the pig's belly. He retrieves a handful of bloodied jewels and hands them to_ KURT.

 

PUCK _exaggerated wink at_ KURT: Barbara, may she rest in peace, had a case of the munches in the auction house storeroom...

 

KURT _claps his hands and jumps up and down with a delighted squeak. He bats his eyelashes up at_ PUCK: Oh Noah! Lizzie's diamonds!

 

PUCK _adorns_ KURT _with several bloodied diamond necklaces and reverently places a bloodied tiara on his head_ : Princess, you look like one of those fierce Mc Queen bitches dressed in rags soaked in the blood of the English oppressor!

 

KURT _bats his eyelashes_ : Oh Noah! You say the sweetest things! I'll be the Mary Stuart to your Moïse! The Leia to your Han Solo!

 

PUCK _loops an arm around_ KURT's _waist and pulls him close for a passionate kiss_ : You bet, babe! _Lewd wink._ We'll slay the oppressors together with my big lightsaber!

 

FINN: Hey! I'm the one with the lightsaber here!

 

KURT _scandalised bitchface_ : You are so gross!

 

TV PRODUCER _panicked, from off screen_ : Hey! Kid! This is for Ohio TV, not Kentucky!

 

ARTIE _from off screen_ : Cut! Cut!

 

TV PRODUCER _from off screen_ : Oh, screw it! You're already over budget, just keep going, no money to reshoot!

 

THE END.


End file.
